Many people moan and groan about their jobs. I bet many of you have heard the parody of James Blunt’s “You’re beautiful”. Well, if you haven’t, then you can click this link and see how much actually applies to you…especially that bit about surfing the internet! LOL!!!
Those of you who are familiar with Max Ehrmann’s poem, DESIDERATA, would probably remember this line, “Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.” (Those of you who somehow, have NEVER heard of the poem can click this link and listen to it being recited by a US talk-show host, Les Crane. It was very popular on the airwaves in the early 70s.)
Be grateful that you have a job; many do not. Be happy that your job is a lot easier than many others. And be thankful that you will not find this on your desk when you get back to work on Monday morning…
MEMO: New Office Policy
Effective 1 October 2008
You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays and Sundays.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for your dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour so that you may be allowed to leave one hour earlier.
Too much time is spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch because that is all the time needed to drink a glass of Tummy Trim!
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
(Memo received via email. Original source unknown)